Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
