I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
