ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
