They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
