i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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