Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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