It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
