Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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