Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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