Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
