I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
