god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
