come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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