In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
