i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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