The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
