Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
