does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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