i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
