My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
