so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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