I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
