omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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