At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
