U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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