Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
