He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
