Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
