he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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