Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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