I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
