Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
