It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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