Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
