whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
