I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
