Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
