I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
