ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
