I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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