You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
