I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
