Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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