Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
