I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
