R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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