I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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