wakey wakey hands off snakey
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
