When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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