I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize