dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
